Chicago Bass Ensemble

first draft: 10 September 2016. Rewritten on

23 September 2016

First off, congratulations to Johann Schuster and Jason Niehoff, who won the fourth and fifth chair spots in the audition.

As you know, the audition which was at the center of this round of “Audition Daily Blogging” took place Tuesday, 6 September. I had been feeling pretty positive, fairly excited, rather optimistic about my preparation and my possible success.

I failed.

That is a pretty blunt way of putting it. We can discuss nuances about what went right and wrong, about the inner successes within the greater failure, but it would be hard to completely ignore the fact that the outcome of one’s effort at an audition is evaluated as one state of a binary solution: you succeed and are offered the job or you are not offered the job.

By now I have had plenty of time(1) to reflect on what I’m feeling. I wrote a long post on the tenth, and have pared it down for publication. Nonetheless, if you don’t like this sort of thing, you’ve got the jist of it and you can stop reading now. Although I do invite you to read another perspective on auditioning.

Frustration, tinted with Anger

I made simple and dumb mistakes. I thought I had done enough preparation, including a couple of mock auditions, to eliminate those from my playing. Like Pascal writing his letter, I think I had not taken enough time to make my practice efficient, so I worked hard but not well. I didn’t make full use of the good information in the BulletProof Musician course, which I had spent money on. And finally I’m frustrated and kind of angry that auditions are conducted as they are — the assigned numbers, the sneaking into the audition space so the committee won’t know who you are, the waiting around to hear results — I’m never this nervous when performing, why am I being tested about my ability to play when nervous?

Resignation

I also feel a kind of gave-it-my-all exhaustion. Like: “why bother to do this again?” Like: “I’ve answered the question ‘can I do it,’ the answer is ‘no.'”

And at times I wish it were that simple. Done, move along, nothing to see here. But I’m not content with that … so see “frustration” again.

Self-Doubt with a side of Worry

I should come as no surprise that self-doubt is a big part of the mood. I’ve pursued music for a long time and, especially when I’m down, feel that I have little to show for it. Am I good enough to ever have something more to demonstrate? Do I work hard enough–not just at the skills, but at the understanding and drive? Have I been on the wrong road, did I leave my path when I stopped playing jazz–and casuals gigs–twenty years ago?

Next?

I bragged in a previous post that “I won’t lose the skills I’ve (re-)gained in preparing for this audition … I’ll audition for Cirque du Soleil.” But where’s that going to go really? (See the self-doubt and resignation creeping into that question?) Maybe I really do need to switch directions. Or drop the goal-oriented behavior for a little while and just let curiosity lead? Take off blinders, drop pretensions and airs, just find out where I can go with what I have?

I really wanted to believe that I would stay positive and groovy no matter the outcome of Tuesday’s audition. And I’m pretty confident that I will return to form. But it’s not happening quickly. And I can’t decide if I have too much going on in life right now (new job, family events to participate in, checkbook to balance, etc.) to have space to allow this to settle, or not enough going on to whisk my energy up.

Thanks

Honestly, I did take the time to make this a shorter letter. Nonetheless it’s pretty long and personal. Thanks for making it to the end. Ugh. I actually don’t intend for this to be The End, I just don’t know exactly what’s next.

(1) For those who don’t know, I was “on the beach” after my contract as a user experience architect at a well-known business school ended on August 31, until earlier this week (September 20) when I started a new job.

11 September 2016

I started writing a long blog post, attempting to process through the emotions and thoughts I’ve had since the audition last Tuesday. Here’s the short version, because I don’t know if I can get the long version out: it’s starting to feel too personal and involved. So, the short version:

I messed stuff up in the solo piece and the excerpts. I did not advance.

And I’m not at all happy about that result.

The long version of this post might yet appear in a few days.

6 September 2016 – Audition Day

It’s 5:30 am, I’ve gotten up early to get ready. My audition time is in the 10:00 am group; I’ll have to leave at around 7:15 am in order to get there by 9:00 to have time to decompress from driving and warm up.

In the past I’ve found that I am playing my best–most connected, loosest, good sound etc.–when I’ve been playing for a while, like several hours, as weird as that seems. I haven’t focused on finding a way to shorten that time. I won’t figure that out today, but maybe that’s a good subject for future study.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I was definitely feeling the symptoms of nervousness. Nothing major, but I could tell that I was less interested in conversations, kind of wanting to just be away from everyone. Sunday evening I had done something to my back and since it didn’t go away overnight, much of yesterday was painful. I saw a massage therapist, and that helped a lot, although not immediately. I slept well last night, and although I haven’t yet tried to play this morning (others are still sleeping, right?) I’m optimistic that the back will not be a major factor today.

So now I’m just getting ready to go. And while I’m still feeling optimistic, in general, my mood is tempered by something that’s a hybrid of realism and fatalism. I don’t play any of the excerpts perfectly. Perfectly is the thing that would guarantee a win. I’ll just have to play less imperfectly that other auditionees. The idealist would like to play perfectly. The realist recognizes it’s just as much about who else shows up as it is about one’s own preparation. The fatalist mopes, knowing it’s not in his own control.

I’m honestly not sure what’s the healthiest attitude … although as I write those words, I know “more positive” is a better kind of attitude than “more negative.” But I don’t want to walk out of my house this morning whistling a cheery tune and dancing a jig in a kind of hyper-cheerful way. That would be setting myself up for disappointment. At the same time, a dour, gloomy grimace is not the right face to take to the audition.

I’m sure that from the outside of this process there is some mood or attitude that is obviously the right one to take. But I’m inside the process right now, so I’m just chugging along doing me. Even a moments’ reflection reminds me that I’ve staked a lot of “who I am” on being successful in music. And to be frank, I personally have had only glimpses of the kind of success that I want in my life. The decision something like 18 months ago to jump back on the audition train was a decision to put myself back out there, to risk my ego yet again in the hope of resuming that voyage to musical-career-achievement that I have chased with more or less–and more often, less–vigor for most of my adult life.

We’ll see a little later today what has come of this latest chapter in that life. That’s heavy, heavy sentiment to bring with me today–so I hope that by writing it here, I am leaving some of it behind, that I won’t have to carry it into the audition with me. It is, after all, pretty maudlin and dramatic, all that stuff in the previous paragraph. So I’ll say it again, as I have several times before in this blog: I’ve gained (and re-gained) a lot during the preparation for this audition, and the others I have recently taken. Even if I crash and burn during my performance today, nothing will take away the skills I’ve developed (and re-developed). And I’ll use those skills in whatever is coming next.

Alright, enough. There’s preparations to be done, and printing the map, and packing the music and gathering up headphones and lunch and all the various bits . . .

(10 minutes, starting . . . now!)

4 September 2016

Okay, that thing I said in my last post about writing every day? Didn’t do it.

Also didn’t write a second entry that day … got carried away with other things. I wish I could say that I got carried away practicing, but it was other stuff.

Practicing has been going well. Some of the nasty hard shifts in Strauss (Ein Heldenleben), Beethoven (Symphony 5, third movement) are going maybe better than they ever have. The twisty tricky and fast fingerings in Mozart (Symphony 40, fourth movement) are still hit and miss, but the hit:miss ratio his higher than it’s ever been. I’d like to say my confidence is 100%, but it’s not, due to those misses in Mozart and also to the required Bach ‘cello suite movement. While I can play the Bach reasonably well sometimes (and performed it during the summer, but to a crowd of tipsy classmates at my college reunion), sometimes there are parts that completely crash and burn. I’m working to make those fewer and far between, but if I miss one of them during the audition my confidence will be shaken, for sure.

But my sound is strong, and in places where the fingerings aren’t the stuff of contortionists nightmares, articulation is good and clean. I hope I can continue this work … one thing I’ve been meaning to do for some time is work up the audition materials for Cirque du Soleil … once I’m done with this audition, it will be time for that. Would I really run away to join the circus? No. (Unless it pays a whole lot better than I think it does.) But it sure is fun to imagine it.

Lately I’ve taken to writing the name/location of each excerpt on a slip of paper, then tossing the slips of paper on the couch and picking them up randomly, then running through the excerpts in that order. It’s a great exercise to try to be ready for anything: fast gentle passages immediately after raucous loud ones, etc. Keeps me on my toes. I recommend it.

I’m also finding that pausing between repetitions is helping me work things out faster. Sample: play the excerpt not quite up to tempo (don’t make mistakes!). Close your eyes and wait five seconds before doing anything else. This lets the neural pathways in the brain assimilate what you’ve just done. Repeat. It seems to be helping.

There, that’s my ten minutes. Audition is day after tomorrow.

A very short post.

Things are feeling good.

I hope I didn’t jinx it. Audition is next Tuesday.

I am having a serious case of why-am-I-doing-this.