first draft: 10 September 2016. Rewritten on
23 September 2016
First off, congratulations to Johann Schuster and Jason Niehoff, who won the fourth and fifth chair spots in the audition.
As you know, the audition which was at the center of this round of “Audition Daily Blogging” took place Tuesday, 6 September. I had been feeling pretty positive, fairly excited, rather optimistic about my preparation and my possible success.
That is a pretty blunt way of putting it. We can discuss nuances about what went right and wrong, about the inner successes within the greater failure, but it would be hard to completely ignore the fact that the outcome of one’s effort at an audition is evaluated as one state of a binary solution: you succeed and are offered the job or you are not offered the job.
By now I have had plenty of time(1) to reflect on what I’m feeling. I wrote a long post on the tenth, and have pared it down for publication. Nonetheless, if you don’t like this sort of thing, you’ve got the jist of it and you can stop reading now. Although I do invite you to read another perspective on auditioning.
Frustration, tinted with Anger
I made simple and dumb mistakes. I thought I had done enough preparation, including a couple of mock auditions, to eliminate those from my playing. Like Pascal writing his letter, I think I had not taken enough time to make my practice efficient, so I worked hard but not well. I didn’t make full use of the good information in the BulletProof Musician course, which I had spent money on. And finally I’m frustrated and kind of angry that auditions are conducted as they are — the assigned numbers, the sneaking into the audition space so the committee won’t know who you are, the waiting around to hear results — I’m never this nervous when performing, why am I being tested about my ability to play when nervous?
I also feel a kind of gave-it-my-all exhaustion. Like: “why bother to do this again?” Like: “I’ve answered the question ‘can I do it,’ the answer is ‘no.'”
And at times I wish it were that simple. Done, move along, nothing to see here. But I’m not content with that … so see “frustration” again.
Self-Doubt with a side of Worry
I should come as no surprise that self-doubt is a big part of the mood. I’ve pursued music for a long time and, especially when I’m down, feel that I have little to show for it. Am I good enough to ever have something more to demonstrate? Do I work hard enough–not just at the skills, but at the understanding and drive? Have I been on the wrong road, did I leave my path when I stopped playing jazz–and casuals gigs–twenty years ago?
I bragged in a previous post that “I won’t lose the skills I’ve (re-)gained in preparing for this audition … I’ll audition for Cirque du Soleil.” But where’s that going to go really? (See the self-doubt and resignation creeping into that question?) Maybe I really do need to switch directions. Or drop the goal-oriented behavior for a little while and just let curiosity lead? Take off blinders, drop pretensions and airs, just find out where I can go with what I have?
I really wanted to believe that I would stay positive and groovy no matter the outcome of Tuesday’s audition. And I’m pretty confident that I will return to form. But it’s not happening quickly. And I can’t decide if I have too much going on in life right now (new job, family events to participate in, checkbook to balance, etc.) to have space to allow this to settle, or not enough going on to whisk my energy up.
Honestly, I did take the time to make this a shorter letter. Nonetheless it’s pretty long and personal. Thanks for making it to the end. Ugh. I actually don’t intend for this to be The End, I just don’t know exactly what’s next.
(1) For those who don’t know, I was “on the beach” after my contract as a user experience architect at a well-known business school ended on August 31, until earlier this week (September 20) when I started a new job.